When Depression almost got me
WHEN MY DEPRESSION ALMOST GOT ME
I never thought I'd write a narrative of my personal struggles in the agony of depression, I didn't even want to talk about it. It was messy, dark, and melancholic. Here I am now, for the benefit of greater audience I believe this is a perfect platform to show awareness and sensitivity for people fighting the same battle. Whatever is in your head now just shake it off, you are bigger than your dark looming emotion.
I heard of "Depression" many times in my life, sometimes we say we are depressed to intensify our emotions but now I can say it's more than that. I had no idea how serious that word was until I found myself being guzzled by this mental torment. I know life can be a difficult notch sometimes, from time to time we encounter challenges and difficulties but we always manage to find ways and wing it off. You know, problems come and go be it small or big.
My teenage years was not easy, I took all the low blows of life that I couldn't even dudge. I struggled too much that when I thought all my predicaments were over I looked back proud of what I have become and what I accomplished, I thought all I had to do was to be on top, eyes on the prize and I will definitely get there. But life has its ups and downs, it is good in shenanigans.
My coping mechanism changed, little by little the things I was good at turned to be the reason of my anxiety, I instantaneously got kicked off track. I mentally became weaker, emotionally drained and unsteady. I enjoyed heated arguments, it's addicting especially when I felt I won. I gave the world a recipe for my own disaster. I didn't know how it all start but I came to realize that something was wrong with me, I realized that it progressed to severe.
The moment I came aware of what was happening inside me, the harder it was to control. There were instances that I breakdown, I cried for no reason, yes NO REASON. There was too much pressure inside me, too much thoughts that I couldn't help thinking, everything was too much and I thought no one was there to back me up. I had been in a lot worse situations in my life that it should have been nothing but it felt that it was something I couldn't pull through, I know I am tough but there's this bigger shadow dwelling inside me, eating me whole. I was in an unknown battle, it's like falling into invisible quicksand that swallowed me unaware and no one sees it. It's a perpetuating emotion, Even I could not figure what's happening.
In random days at work, when I thought I was focused and being productive or while I'm talking to somebody my mind flick away unconsciously, it was leading me to my dark thoughts. I was thinking of a way to end everything, like where is the best spot to hung myself? Is the ceiling beam strong enough to carry my weight? How thick is the rope I need? Should I write a letter blaming all the people I hate so they will live with guilt for the rest of their lives? Will I make it to the front page of news papers if I do a facebook live while doing it?
Then I snapped back to my consiousness, I couldn't believe that it's envading my mental well-being even when I keep things productive, it was very alarming, those thoughts sent shivers down my spine. Now, I understand why many victims of depression ended their lives, sure they never wanted a miserable ending but there's that monster that urged them to do things they never imagined they're capable of doing, they were slain.
Funny that I also came across the idea of jumping off the building but perceived that I'd die with a distorted face, I must look good on my funeral I said to myself, at least for the last time people would see my angelic face (all kidding aside), so I shooed away that idea. That's hilariously sickening.
I seeked professional help, numerous times I had couselling with Psychologists. Our society has common misconception in treating our mental issues, seeing one is not an indication that you have it. It's good to voice your thoughts to someone who will not judge you and trained to handle cases similar to yours. It helped me a lot.
I quit my job, too. For almost a decade I worked in an intricate nature of job that often deals with furious people, everyday is like eating hamburger in every meal. It's ludicrous that I give my hand to people when I have issues within me that needed to be fixed. Quitting your job is not always the best solution but if you think that would help you, go for it, that doesn't mean you're giving up, you are just helping yourself to escape from whatever that makes you feel sad, it's better to try that than losing it, than losing you. When the going gets tough the tough get going- NO! When the going gets tough sometimes we need to pause and rest.
Aside from help of the professionals and quiting my job, the people who truly care for me was one of the biggest factors that slowly put my feet back on track.
I truly I appreciate the littlest effort I received from people who care for me. The never ending chat and calls I had with few of my friends, the unscheduled wee hour dinner, the words of encouragement and innumerable love I received from all of them. I see these as the trumpet call from God, to open my eyes, to look around and know that there are people who will always be there to catch me whenever I fall. I couldn't be happier.
WHAT ARE THE LESSONS I LEARNED?
●When it feels like the entire world is against you, remember to cheer yourself up. And when you come to a point that you think there is no other way and you want to end everything, remember that you are halfway done, remember how many times you kicked ass for you to give up now. There are people who want to see you stumble, yes but know that there's another circle of people waiting for you at the finish line, people who hold the torches of love that never loses its flame.
● I learned that I AM BIGGER THAN MY MONSTER.
● Love yourself and accept the love from others
● No matter how ugly life gets, always remind yourself that in this world there are people getting a harder blow and messier than you are.
● Use your will power. Prayers are not wishlist.
● I now understand the line "rest if you must but don't quit".
● I learned that winning an argument doesn't make you a winner, and losing it is not always a defeat. Sometimes we just have to be the bigger person.
● Remember that being volatile won't earn you respect.
● I see that people are well educated of depression nowadays, if you think you have it, do not hesitate to open up to your closest friends or family. Or maybe seek professional help if it gets out of hand
● Always find time to be with your family. Just being with them is enough to temporarily extinguish the turmoil inside your head.
● Life is not always rainbows and cupcakes but with God's grace you can slay dragons.
● Do not look at other people's basket because yours is special.
● Life is not a race. When you think you are miles behind others let your eyes see not the finish line but the beautiful scenery of your journey.
● It's all about how gracefully you fought and dance along the trials you overcame and that is solid gold.
Feeling better takes time, even so at least now I feel that my life is in my hand again. My self improvement is still a work in progress. I want to thank everyone who became part of my journey and those who will continue to walk with me. I want to thank the people who stood behind me through all the hardships and mishaps, I hope they won't get tired of giving me the hug when I most needed them. I hope this short narrative inspires my readers who are struggling in finding their way back. The fire inside you never weakened, it's there, and once you get it back you will be tougher than you ever was.
Let's cheers to more hurdles we will surely overcome!
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